I’m sure most of you have your techniques that you use to keep yourself from going ga ga when the shits hitting the fan… hobbies, happy places, vodka etc. I shall share my husband’s anti- ga ga toolkit with you first, all of which, apart from kite-surfing, are do-able during lockdown/isolation/shielding, albeit via a make-shift garage gym, a spare room take-over for the studio and digital boozing via Zoom.

Hubby’s Toolkit

Exercise

Kite-surfing 

Making music

Getting smashed with friends

My Toolkit

Councilors (I have 3, greedy I know)

The Beach

Listening to music whilst driving

Charity shops

Socializing with friends and family

Anti-depressants

I’m down to one councilor and that’s a phone call, lovely as it is its not quite the same, I miss eye contact and hugs so much, the beach is a no go, driving with music is restricted to the occasional 10 min journey to the hospital. The joy of charity shopping and bargain hunting is denied along with spending time with family and friends…. Humpfff!!

…and yes, before you ask, I have upped the dosage of the anti-depressants!!

During our countries present catastrophic shutdown I’ve gone from mightily pissed off that my birthday party had to be cancelled, to frightened of getting Covid-19, to petrified that my chemotherapy will be delayed/cancelled, to terrified that my cancer will take a turn for the worse and I’ll have to deal with shitty news – unexpected scans and treatment changes during all this, and back to frightened of getting Covid-19 again as I’m now aware that my current health status places me at the back of the queue for ventilators. This wasn’t really news deep down, but now I get to read/hear about the heartbreakingly difficult decisions the medical professionals will have to make… and realize, “Oh crap, that means me!!!”… and then finally the blind panic that whilst all this crap is whirring around in my head I’m going to lose/am losing the plot.

 I’ve always had mental health ups and downs. First time was after a dalliance with the Atkins Diet. I was piling on the pounds working in an office, sitting on my arse all day and eating chocolate biscuits, drastic action was required. Three months later, after not following the strict diet guidelines and living off cocktail sausages, white wine and Marlborough reds; I perhaps unsurprisingly had a mental meltdown… I was however a size 8, but I can assure you it was decidedly not worth it!!!

Round 2 was a relationship breakdown, followed by a re-bound guy, followed by the breakdown of relationship with said re-bound guy, followed by a diet of Shreddies, white wine and Marlborough reds… and yet again a size 8… and again, totally not worth it!!!

Round 3 was down to a rather dramatic aversion to being weaned off morphine meds post massive thoracic surgery… this lead to a good month in hiding on my Dad’s sofa, a diet of crumpets and this time I managed a size 6!!

So over the last couple of weeks I find myself clocking some of the signs and symptoms of a depressive episode, the lack of enthusiasm for pretty much anything (difficult in lockdown anyway), not talking as much (the hubby is okay with this), waking up with lock jaw, waves of health anxiety, online rabbit hole-ing, crying when people say nice things (and I’m not a crier), lack of appetite and a yearning to watch Friends re-runs on T.V., all redflags. My planned reaction is “Forearmed is forewarned”, so I’ve embraced video chatting, have re-initiated my meditation practice (still crap at it), am attempting some creative pastimes, sorry if you end up being the lucky recipient of an origami animal, and am trying to keep up a healthy interest in true crime documentaries.

Now I’m fully aware that the present situation is enough to test even the most cheerful, resilient people in society’s mental faculties, and being a “vulnerable” person is just one of the many pressures, incidentally I’m still wrestling with that term, I heard a TV presenter say that the NHS were looking for volunteers, my initial reaction was “Yes, what can I do to help?”… then the realization sunk in that I’m VULNERABLE…Damn it!!! … There are those struggling with being alone, financially screwed, freshly unemployed, already dealing with mental health issues, caring for others… and the list goes on. I’m just one of many hanging on in there by the skin of my teeth.

I wish this post had a list of upbeat creative fixes to boredom and depression but you just need to check in to any social media platform for that… learn to draw, paint, crochet, knit, write, dance, do yoga/zumba/pilates… Oh the overwhelming pressure to turn that frown upside down and make positives from negatives… I’m just jealous, I sooooooooo want to knit a rainbow blanket to make everyone smile, to paint the next Mona Lisa or end up fit enough to run a marathon, but realistically I’ll probably just follow the progress of the end of the world from my new sofa with the Hubby, Moog, Dave-cat and nice cuppa.